♔ call me captain. (sardothien) wrote in whatthekey,
♔ call me captain.

[Fic] Perfectionism - EXO-K

Title: Perfectionism
Pairings: Suho/Kai
Rating: PG
Word Count: 829

Joonmyun is a bit of a perfectionist. He always has been, really—from the color-coded socks to the apps on his phone to the people in his life and Joonmyun is pretty sure he doesn't know how to stop worrying about everything, pretty sure he wouldn't know how to function if he did.

He's pretty sure that's why they made him EXO-K's leader, a position he accepts readily.

And it makes sense. Practically speaking, Joonmyun's the most organized out of all of them, the most well-spoken, the most earnest. Maybe it also had something to do with being the eldest, but that's merely coincidental, and Joonmyun likes to pretend it's really because they all saw something in him that they'd like to be. 

But for all that Joonmyun obsesses over every detail like the perfectionist he thinks he is, Joonmyun really doesn't know perfection until one day when it hits him square in the face.

Kim Jongin is not a perfectionist in the way Joonmyun is. Joonmyun is working himself to death to be a good leader for the band. He wants everyone to do their best and everything to work out and only then will he be satisfied. 

Jongin isn't satisfied, though. Jongin is not a perfectionist because has no concept of perfection, or the fact that he might be the closest thing to it that Joonmyun has ever encountered. He's haughty, he's self-critical, he's even a little rude sometimes and Joonmyun is always left to clean up after his messes, hurried apologies to their hyungs and frantic bowing before dashing off. 

Jongin doesn't indulge himself in Joonmyun's idea of "doing his best" because "his best" is just not good enough. He's not trying to control every single aspect of his life the way Joonmyun is—he's only trying to control one. He's not looking for the same kind of shallow fruition that Joonmyun so desperately claws at. With Jongin, there's only Kai, and the several thousand ways that Jongin isn't Kai, and the intense frustration he gets sometimes when he finds that he's not.

Joonmyun soon learns how terrible it is to fall in love with somebody who hates every last bit of himself. Jongin will never stop tearing himself down, will never stop picking out all the what if's and no good's, and quite frankly, it terrifies Joonmyun.

Joonmyun always has to be the one to tell him to stop—("Jongin-ah, turn the music off or you'll never get out of here")—but the thing is that Jongin won't stop, not even when it's just the two of them left in the practice room and all the other members have gone to bed and Jongin is dancing until he looks like he's ready to break and yet.

Jongin is flawless, dancing by himself. He's pure talent, emotion in motion. All long lines of lean, hard muscle and damp bangs pressed into his forehead. Joonmyun watches, captivated, as one of his youngest members dances his heart out, and can't bring himself to stop the music. It's only when Jongin is finished and looks at himself in the mirror with that pained, self-destructive look on his face that Joonmyun's had enough.

So Joonmyun grabs his shoulder and whirls him around and there are beads of sweat dancing along Jongin's jawline and insistence in his eyes and Jongin looks so tired, so tired. 

"Hyung—" His voice is half surprise, half strain. "What—"

"Stop it," Joonmyun says. "You don't need to be perfect." And then he kisses him.

He wonders, briefly, is this is what kissing an angel would taste like, though the thought doesn't last long because Jongin isn't an angel and would never let himself be one.

Jongin is the first to pull back, his face a mix of shock and disgust. 

"Hyung—I'm sorry—but what the fuck?"

Joonmyun doesn't kiss him again after that.

Jongin, sometimes, will cast him furtive glances when he thinks Joonmyun isn't looking. 

He learns, slowly, to stop stressing. To accept himself. To smile.

("So you kissed him?" came Kris' amused tone. "Not gonna lie, I have member problems too, but I usually don't see kissing as part of the solution."

And Joonmyun laughs through his phone, because, honestly, he is the worst leader in the world.)

Tags: !fic, #rating: pg, *fandom: exo, exo: suho/kai
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